I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
