I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
