i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
