My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
