dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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