Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
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Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
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I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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