I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We had sex on a dog bed..
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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