also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
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i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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