My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
