ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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