I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
