My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
