I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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