we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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