I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
