I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
