I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
