Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
