Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
