Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
