hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
