3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
false alarm. still invincible.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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