I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
