I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
