someone threw a dead crab at me
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
