Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
