we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My penis needs a shock collar
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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