saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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