I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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