is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
