I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
