He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
