Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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