True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize