He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
