i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
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thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride