So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
