So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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