I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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