He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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