I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
