there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Everclear isn't food dammit
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
