I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
