it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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