I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
