so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
