Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
