I met the friendliest cop last night
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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