you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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