Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
