If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
