God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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