Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
