It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
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There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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