oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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