I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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