I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I could make wine with my vomit
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
