Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
