I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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