If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
