I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
